the pain will leave once it has finished teaching you.

— Unknown.

ten years. t-e-n. 10.

some days it feels like 1000 years have passed. some days it feels like yesterday. but the truth is [ten years] have passed since my dad has passed on.

i am still not okay.

i thought that made me weak for a long time. sometimes i thought it made me stronger. i don’t really know what it makes me. caught in the middle? regardless, you need to know. i am still not okay. i am not “over” it. it has not gotten “better with time.” time has not healed my wounds. the pain has not left.

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i’ve had ten years to process life without my dad. i have had ten years to get used to life without him being a phone call away. i have had ten years to make plans and reach goals without being able to tell him the good news. i have had ten years to cope with the pain of my dad never meeting my husband. i have had ten years to dread the thought that my baby would never meet his grandad or hear his contagious laughter. i have had ten years to never hear the words, “i love you, babygirl” ever again.

i have had ten years. but i am not okay.

i have had ten years to decide that i will never be okay. not ever.

but i am okay with that.

i am okay with the fact that i had 18 years + 11 months + 19 days with the most amazing father i could have ever dreamt of. i am okay with the fact that he taught me to be quick to listen and slow to speak. i am okay since i had a father to teach me to not sway from my faith. i am okay with the love that poured into my mother and my siblings and myself. i am okay with the outline provided when i began to look for my own husband. i am okay with being given the steps to follow as i become a parent myself. i am okay with realizing all the little things he taught me along the way. i am okay when those little lessons pop-up on a regular basis. i am okay knowing my dad is in heaven with our lord jesus. i am okay with that.

This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.